Paula’s Playground

The Lisa Fund

Dear Lisa,

I read about you today on my friend Elizabeth’s blog — Table For Five. We don’t know each other, and I’d never chanced upon your blog before. I saw a fun blog, authored by a beautiful, witty woman. A fellow mom writing about her life with humor and candor. The kind of woman I wish I was, or could be. And there you are, and you have cancer for the third time.

“Why not me?”, I asked myself. It could be me or any of the moms I know (and don’t know). I have a heightened sense today of how much I love life, and all the pain and drama that comes with it. I’m also thinking hard about my own mortality, and how I don’t exercise enough (at all?), and who would care for my six kids if anything happened to me. And how I haven’t taken any of them to Disneyland yet.

And I keep thinking about you. And how much I want you to kick cancer’s ass and how much I want to help you.

And I want you to go to Disneyland with your daughters.

Love,

A fellow blogger, mom and woman

*Note to readers: the suggested donation for the Lisa Fund is $10. I donated $60 (once for each of my six kids). Please give what you can. The organizers have some great prizes that you can win. You can also help by blogging about it, putting up the button, or donating a prize.

“I must learn to love the fool in me — the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries. it alone protects me against that utterly self-controlled, masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of human aliveness, humility, and dignity but for my fool.” ~ Theodore I. Rubin MD

One year ago today I started my first blog. My own blog that is. I had been working “behind the scenes” on a friend’s blog for a year prior to launching Polliwog’s Pond.

Before all this, I had a journal on LiveJournal that about 40-50 people had access too. There were no public posts, so I don’t consider that a blog. I left LJ when I started all this blogging hoo-hah. On my public blog I was never able to write as openly and honestly as I’d been able to on the journal. Primarily because of my children, and because if I’d been completely transparent about the events of the last few years, it would have affected them in a very negative way.

I also left behind some truly good friends on LJ. I’ve been fortunate to make a few out here in the blogosphere (I hope you know who you are), but I’ve also been used, taken advantage of, and hurt by bloggers who claimed to be “friends” but didn’t really know the meaning of the word.

I’ve been trying to devote more time to getting the life I want. That has involved a lot more social activities, time with friends and family (all live off this Island so it’s a bit of a logistical nightmare to plan things), and making some important decisions about my marriage and my relationship with my husband.

This also means I have started back up my private journal on LiveJournal. I will be writing there the things which I cannot (or don’t want to) write about here on a public blog.

These changes have all been very good for me. But what to do with my blog? I don’t want to kill it. I also don’t want it to sit here lonely and neglected. And it is neglected right now. I think I’ll just sit on it for awhile and see if I can work it back into my life in a way that is beneficial for me and others. I have some ideas on directions I’d like to go. I just need to settle on one idea and make it happen.

I’ll definitely be blogging about this upcoming event. On April 30th, the thing I have been waiting for, for about oh 26 years, is going to happen. I’m going to go see Duran Duran in concert!!! I can’t believe it’s happening. I’m going to be hoarse from screaming. I’m going with my brother and his awesome wife. Pinch me!!!

I hope you’ll stick with me, the people I’ve grown to care about here and continue to read your blogs. If you’re on LiveJournal, let me know, there are a handful of you out there I would give access to my private journal there. I’ll be reworking this blog into a suitable home for myself over the next few months. I hope you’ll join me as I start a new chapter of my life.

In the meantime, I’m going to learn to “love the fool in me.” The parts of me I’ve been fighting for so long and hating about myself.